Weighty Writing

“Re: the quintessential lady writer. She was fat in high school. Whether she is still fat doesn’t matter. It has already colored her point of view and made her very mad. She will always be fat inside. She beats you to death with her brains, but you don’t know you’re being killed because you’re laughing so hard. Try to remember all humor starts with hostility (cf., comedy writer).

“She goes through a lot of therapy. Trying to get in touch with all those feelings nestled beneath all that fat. When she gets to them, and discovers she’s as hideous on the inside as on the outside, she becomes truly furious. The finding of these feelings gives her total permission to forget about yours.

“She makes serious money with some clever writing. But money is more often the scorecard for men. Sex is her scorecard, critical to her self-image, probably because she was laid so infrequently when it was first coming on… Now lots of men who eschewed her company in high school sleep with her to curry favor but she never knows if they love her for herself or her one-liners. Too afraid to find out, she sharpens her skills, often on other women…

“Deep down, she just wants to be a cheerleader and fuck the quarterback… who just wants to fuck the tight end…”

Phillips, Julia. YOU’LL NEVER EAT LUNCH IN THIS TOWN AGAIN. New York: Random House, 1991. Print. p. 425.

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